Why does Jenni always look so perfect? She's got the tiniest body -- thin waist, thin legs, pretty face. She probably wears size two jeans. She has so many friends, too. The guys are always talking to her; she has lots of girl friends. She's always laughing. How come she always knows what to say? Everyone likes her!

There's Jason. Now there's a perfect person! Everyone notices when he walks in a room. He's tall and has muscles everywhere. He wears great clothes. And how did he get that cool car? I wish I was funny like he is...and smart. He always knows the answers in class...or at least he gives an answer that's not stupid. No wonder people think he's hot!

Good comparisons

Did you ever find yourself making comparisons like that -- pointing out the perfect parts that someone else has and then feeling disappointed at the less-than-perfect looks you have? You've probably made these comparisons more than once. Scientists have found that people typically compare themselves to others when looking for friends.¹ When someone dresses like we do or talks about the things we like, we'll probably decide that they're friendly. That kind of comparing helps us choose friends. People make quick comparisons again when they're not sure about what to do.² Remember when you first walked into school and didn't know where to go for class? Most likely you compared ideas with friends, solved the problem, and probably felt better. This ability is a gift from God! We use it to solve problems so many times and so quickly that it becomes automatic.

Bad comparisons

But maybe you've gotten yourself into a rut by comparing, envying your friends' perfect looks, body shapes, and personalities. Maybe you've forgotten what's good about you. That's when comparing isn't helpful. Constantly comparing ourselves with others and wishing we could be like them often builds a belief that we're just not good enough. Then feeling happy and worthwhile suddenly depends on looking right, talking right, and acting right. A young Christian woman described how this belief ruled her life:

When I was in high school, I tried to fit in with the popular crowd. I changed how I talked, the music I listened to, and was especially conscious of my looks.... I staked my worth on what people saw; I became a self-conscious chameleon, changing myself so that I would be 'normal'.... I wanted to fit into a size three so that guys would see me, walk past, and look twice. I wanted to be Cameron Diaz.³

No body's perfect

Perfect body size, perfect actions, and perfect friends would certainly be nice to have. In reality, no one looks perfect, acts perfect, or has friends who are perfect 100% of the time. So, these standards for perfection smack us down time after time because we can't reach them. Listen to the consequences that Christian woman experienced because she tried to live up to 'perfect' standards in her life:

The emotional toll I paid for thinking I had to look a certain way developed into an eating disorder.... Negative emotions like loneliness, depression, guilt, low confidence, uncertainty, fear...become the controlling force in your life.

You are perfect

So then what makes us worthwhile? God makes us worthwhile. We are so important to God that he chose us from the very beginning (Isaiah 43:1). We are so important that God keeps exact count of the hairs on our heads (Matthew 10:30-31). We are so important that he forgave our sins though it cost him his Son (John 3:16). That means that every part of us, from the inside to the outside, is worth more than gold, no matter what our thinking may tell us.

Making comparisons is a God-given ability that makes our lives easier. However, when comparisons constantly show us our faults, constantly create burdened feelings, and constantly cause us to change ourselves in an attempt to be perfect, they become hurtful. Then it's time to talk to someone trustworthy like a friend, parent, or counselor -- someone who will listen, someone who can remind you that God makes us perfect and worthwhile through Jesus.

Anne Huebner is a psychologist and a professor at Wisconsin Lutheran College, Milwaukee, WI

References

¹ Myers, D.G. (1999). Social psychology (6th ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill.
² Ibid.
³ Used with permission.