It was only a shove, a little slap, one word spat in anger. Or was it?

Maybe you know a guy or girl who is with someone who just doesn't seem to treat them very nicely. Maybe you've wondered if you should say something. Maybe you wonder why they would want to date someone who treats them in a way that just doesn't seem very respectful.

It's good you noticed. But maybe you haven't said anything because you're just not sure what an abusive relationship is. Or maybe you're afraid of getting into someone else's business. Here's the scoop:

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Someone is in an abusive relationship if the person they are with is:

• Verbally abusing them by calling names, making threats, or putting them down in any way.
• Physically abusing them by pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, or destroying their personal property.
• Sexually abusing them by touching in a way that person does not want to be touched or forcing sexual acts without the full consent of the other person.

How to Spot an Abuser

Take a long, hard look. Ask yourself, does the person who may be abusing your friend show any of the following behavior.

• Does he/she have a bad temper?
• Does he/she always have to be right?
• Is their boyfriend/girlfriend put down for having their own opinions?
• Does this person isolate your friend from all his/her other friends. Does that person insist your friend can't hang around with anyone else?
• Does he/she want the relationship to be too serious too quickly? Push too far too fast?
• Is this person too physical. Does he/she leave any kind of marks on your friend?
• Is this person fascinated by knives and guns?
• Is this person very jealous and possessive? (Jealousy is not a sign of love!)
• Does this person drink or use drugs?

Any one of these signs can mean your friend is dating someone who is not treating them as God wants them to be treated. No one deserves to be hit, mistreated, abused.

What Can You Do?

How can you help your friend?

• Ask if your friend is being hurt.
• Listen to and believe your friend.
• Don't judge or blame. Finding fault with your abused friend will not help.
• Remind your friend that no one deserves to be hit.
• If needed, offer to help your friend seek help from a trusted adult.
• Tell your friend that you care, no matter what. That's how God loves you in Jesus; that's how you will love.
• Offer the promise of transformation and victory over abuse that a relationship with Jesus brings.
• Take a stand against any kind of abusive behavior.
• Take a close look at your own words and actions and get rid of your own behavior that does not treat others the way God wants us to. Replace that with showing respect for others.

How can you help a friend who is being abusive?

• Tell your friend that you're concerned about the abusive behavior.
• Pray for your friend and let your friend know you are praying.
• Give you friend a clear message - abuse, violence and treating someone poorly is not ever acceptable.
• Tell your friend you care about them no matter what. Remember: God's love for you in Jesus. That's our motivation to love others in the same way.
• Offer the promise of transformation and victory over sin that a relationship with Jesus brings.
• Offer to help your friend talk to a trusted adult.
• Be a role model. Treat your boyfriend or girlfriend and other friends with respect.

Remember dating should be fun. If it is not, ask, "Why am I dating this person?" Choose to be with the friends who are fun to be around and who like you for who you are. You are a child of God: someone who is not perfect, but you are forgiven. Because of Jesus you deserver to be treated as the special person God created you to be when he adopted you through faith in Jesus. Don't settle for less.

Kathy Stresman has worked for twelve years with men, women, and children who were struggling with abuse within their families. She lives in Milwaukee, WI.