Feelings and Relationships

Introduction

Relationships have a lot to do with our feelings about people. But feelings aren't very solid foundations to build relationships on. We can't always trust our feelings to give us an accurate picture of reality. So what makes a firm foundation for a relationship? How should we Christians go about building a relationship with a friend so it stays alive and healthy through the years? And how do our feelings help or hurt relationships? Let's find out.

Feelings Fail Us

Here are some actual accounts of why two marriages broke up. They are true stories shared by a marriage counselor. What was the reason John and Barbara gave for breaking up their marriages?

"I don't even know how it happened," said John. "The kiss, I mean. But when it did...Well, perhaps you won't believe this - I was just amazed! - it simply seemed so good, so right, that I knew we had to go on together. Betty felt the same way. It was what love and marriage are all about."

We are discussing, or rather John was, his impending divorce from Sue, who had now left town with the children and his intention of marrying Betty. He looked at me earnestly and, with a light punch on the arm of his chair, he said, "It's the one thing I'd like you to understand: that it all seemed so good and so right. That's when we both knew we'd have to get divorces. We belonged together."

There was another person, Barbara. "It wasn't Paul's fault," Barbara said. "It was just that it felt so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul when I love Roger. You can tell when something is right..."

1. Can you think of several situations in which it may feel right to do something, but it isn't right?
A)
B)
C)

2. Can you think of several situations in which it may feel wrong to do something, but it isn't wrong?
A)
B)
C)

3. People often make choices by "following their hearts." Why is using our feelings as a basis for making decision a dangerous business? Check our what these Scriptures have to say.

4. How does it happen that Christians are sometimes wrong to trust their feelings? Consider these passages:

Can you think of other reasons?

5. Think back to the quotes at the beginning of this study. What would John's wife, Sue, and their children have thought about John's feelings?

The Firm Foundation

God's advice for a firm foundation in a marriage relationship is good advice upon which to base any relationship. The Christian Worship contains a suggested order of worship for a wedding service. In that service there is a promise that husbands and wives make to each other. This is what the pastor asks a bride and groom to promise each other. Their answer is "I will."

__________, will you take ___________ to be your wife/husband? Will you be guided by the counsel and direction God has given in his Word and love your wife/husband as Christ loved the Church? Will you be faithful to her/him, cherish her/him, support her/him, help her/him in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live?

6. What things are included in "God's ordinance?"

7. Upon what is a Christian marriage relationship based? Is there a chance that that foundation will ever crumble?

8. What does that say about basing our relationship with our spouse on how we "feel" about him/her? Why aren't our feelings a firm enough foundation?

9. Read Ephesians 5:21 - 6:9. Notice the reason God presents in each relationship for living up to our responsibilities as husband or wife, child, parent, worker, or boss. Does he say anything about basing our relationship with our spouse, parent, child, etc., on how we feel about them?

10. What does that tell us about the foundation for our relationships with our parents, school friends, girl or boy friends, brothers, and sisters?

Feelings and Facts

God has made us all with feelings. They are a necessary and healthy part of our human make-up. But those feelings do need to be controlled or they will control us in ways that aren't wholesome.

Evaluate these statements. How many of them would you be comfortable saying?

______ "I'm getting a divorce. I just don't love my husband anymore."
______ "After the way you hurt me, I could never forgive you."
______ "Let your conscience by your guide."
______ "I do love you, in spite of what you did, because Jesus loves me."

Spend a moment in prayer, praising God for his unending love for you and asking to be so touched by that love that you'll willingly love others as God has loved you.

By Rev. Dennis Kleist