When Parents Divorce
By Jeffrey Bonack
Attention All "Dirks" Out There!
"I guess I'm doing O.K." Dirk didn't seem to want to look me in the eyes as he answered my question. It probably wasn't the most comfortable situation to be sitting across the table from his pastor at a local restaurant talking about his parents' rather "nasty" separation.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of "Dirks" out there-young people who are hurting, confused, anxious and angry-because their parents cannot seem to resolve their differences, while they, the children, are constantly caught in the middle.
I can relate. Although I was a little older at the time, when my parents finally officially divorced, the news brought back to the surface all those ugly emotions I had experienced for years as my parents fought, bickered, or gave each other the "silent treatment." My struggle to deal with these emotions became so bad for a while that I actually went into a depression.
Why Do I Have to Be Caught in the Middle?
Divorce brings out the worst in parents
Parents who go through divorce are hurting. They're unsure of the future. They're feeling inadequate themselves. The result? They become very protective of themselves and all they have-including you and your affections!
When the family starts to break apart, both parents struggle for a child's love. They want their kids to understand why they are doing what they are doing. Unfortunately, that often means painting the other parent in the worst possible light. Instead of everyone in the family building up each other, as God meant it to be, suddenly parents are tearing each other apart, giving the impression that you are to somehow choose sides.
What can you do?
First of all, remember that your parents are acting on protective instinct. That does not excuse their actions. It does, however, help you understand that your parents still love you and, even though you may often feel that you are the center of their disagreements, it's only because they want you and your love.
Then, pray! Pray that God would give you the words to gently remind your parents that you love them both equally and that the negative things they say about each other only puts you in an awkward and uncomfortably position. You may feel the temptation to be silent and just endure. Yet, if you don't talk about it, it's going to start eating you up inside. That's what it did to me!
Can't They See How They Are Ruining All of Our Lives?
Are you angry?
Why can't they just work it out? Is it worth putting each other and the rest of the family through so much heartache? Didn't they promise to love each other "for better, for worse¼'til death does them part?"
There was a time I felt guilty about being so angry. Until someone reminded me that God was angry, too. God hates divorce. He hates the selfishness and the lack of initiative parents take to work things out in a spirit of love and forgiveness. We have every right to be angry about the sin. But we can't stop there.
Forgiveness is key
Remember that Jesus died for all sin. In him there is forgiveness-even for our parents. Jesus' forgiveness alone will give our parents the security and the strength they need to deal with their differences in a more God-pleasing manner. Remember, you may be the instrument the Lord has chosen to draw your parents closer to him once again.